End of Innocence

Even as I write this stuff, it feels like this poor kid is not me. But it is and I guess I am still dealing with many of those issues. So, I graduate high school and head to college about an hour away. My hormones are raging and somewhere in the back in my mind, I was really hoping to try an experience and hate it and be able to go back to the so called normal reality that everyone else I knew had.

At first in college, I hung out with mostly many of the same people from my high school, but I could see all of these different types of people. What an eye opener. So with all of these oppressed emotions, I hope you understand that my self esteem was pretty low. I knew that I was different and I didnt know where I fit in. I was taught that I was not worth anything just because I was different in that way. Not from my family who loved me and built me up in so many ways. But it was more self inflicted. I wouldnt go swimming and actually never learned to swim when younger because I thought I was too skinny to take off my shirt. My dad was more a muscle guy and I was a gymnast build but I thought it was something to be ashamed, what I wouldnt do for that problem now. But college brought something new for me. I had independence and I got to meet so many different people who were not just like everyone else back home. It was a fun time. Even though, I had convinced that I had college paid for each year due to my good grades, I never really saw myself completing it because I never knew anyone who had.

So I graduated college. Part in spite of my dad's comments who said I never would. Once again, I dont want him to sound like a horrible person. He is not. He even came to my graduation and told me how proud he was of me. And even though we do not have a close relationship, I do know that he is proud of me, even though he has no clue what to think of me. But sadly during college, no substantial experiences. I had many crushes and thought things would happen, I was still too scared since I knew so many people from home at the college and it was a very big college. I was so paranoid. But after looking back, if I knew then what I know now, there was plenty opportunity that went right over my head!

So life after college will be summed up. I met a boy through a phone line. First guy I kissed, first guy I had sex. We were together for over a year. This relationship was such a learning experience for me and a novel in itself. It was not a healthy relationship by any means, but he was very attractive and I thought he was the only attractive gay guy in the whole world. So this started my "gay" life. I still had hang ups during this relationship about being gay. I didnt want to tell anyone. We were just "roommates", but I eventually starting realizing that I was ok.

After that relationship, a couple more came and went. I realized that my look was very attractive in the gay world and I was desirable. I went to clubs, had experiences. Made friends that I had alot in common. I was still in a Southern City right in the Bible Belt, but life was good. I had come out to some people: my sister, my mom's sister, and even sort of came out to my mom. She knows and I dont hide it, but never had the sit down, cry conversation. So things are good. I had a good run from about 25-33 or so. Clubs, traveling, friends, hook ups, relationships, all that stuff. I had come to full terms with who I was. I no longer had such a conflict between religion and my lifestyle. I had opinions on things that I was a complete person. I had confidence that I never knew exisited. I was excelling in my work. Of course, there were bumps in the road, but overall I was very optimistic and positive about life. I can't stress enough how different those years were for me than the beginning years. I went from being so insecure to having confidence in my looks, my work, my social life, and my well being.

So how did I get here?