The Great Depression

So, all through the years, even when I was a kid and dealing with all the whole gay issue, I always had a very positive outlook. I knew that there was something better out there. It actually got me through many things. I used my imagination to go to a place that I liked better. Today, I have lost that. I really am working to get that optimistic outlook back.

I had begun a relationship with a guy who pursued me heavily. I resisted for a while. I gave in because a friend said I may be missing out on something good. It was a good relationship for the first two years. We lived together and things were going well, mostly. Of course we had issues. He had a communications problem and I had a problem with his communication problem, but we worked through it or at least I pushed through it. One thing about me whenever I am in relationships: For the most part, I want someone who is damaged. Maybe it is the deep insecurity in me that seeks that. Almost each of my relationships that were long term were with someone that I felt needed my help for something. Maybe that gave me a sense security with them. Jay (we will call him), was lacking in social skills. He didnt have many friends, didnt know how to act around people, and I thought I could fix that. He was very, very attentive to me. I am not one who likes compliments, ( I usually think people want something), but he was very complimentary of me and I loved it. He adored me honestly in the beginning.

After about a year and half into the relationship, my grandmother who I adore, was diagnosed with cancer. It was a blow not only to me, but to my whole family. She was the glue that held our family together. She was diagnosed in August and was terminal in January. So I am in a relationship with a guy who was socially incoherent and my grandmother who I love is dying. It was a recipe for disaster. I needed support and he had never dealt with death and had no idea how to respond to me. We broke up on a Sunday. My grandmother passsed away the next Sunday. I wanted him to give me what he didnt know how to give. A month later, we move to separate places. He is a severe diabetic and had tooth surgery. The week he moves, he needs me to help him through the surgery. He has a reaction and goes into a diabetic coma while I am driving him to the hospital. He survives and we reconcile for a short while. Then we break up again, and get together again and break up again. This goes on for two years. We would date other people but get back together. We would date different people for dinner and end up back with each other that night. It was very dysfunctional for both of us. At this time, I completely unravel. I have never been the same.

At that time, I also changed careers about two months after my grandmothers passing. One that was stressful.

I had too many life changes. I went unraveled. I tried to hold it together. I went to the docs who gave me anti depressants. The first two didnt work at all and made me worse. I did things at that time that I am completely embarrassed. I aimed all my frustrations towards Jay. I worked, but was so down that it took all my strength to put up that smile and work. My type of work is very "ON". I have to project a happy, perky facade at all times. Somehow, most of the time I did it. I was two people. One at work, another at home. In the past, I had always been out to snap out of a bad day. Music, shopping, my family- if I was having a down day, that would always cheer me up. When this all happened, I couldnt find that light. Nothing was working. Both Jay and I were addicted to each other. We couldnt go a week without getting in touch, even though we knew it was unhealthy. There was never any physical abuse, or anything like that. But we just could not let go of each other. His approach was different than mine. I was more vocal, he was more subdued. We finally starting moving on from each other. Even then, I still did not feel like myself. I was on my anti depressants and was doing my best to move on. But my light was gone. I couldnt even explain it. I started feeling happier when I was alone. I didnt want to go out and deal with people.

One day after a month or so of not hearing from Jay, he contacted me and I freaked out, I thought it was over. I didnt want to go back to that place where I was so up and down in my feelings for him. This cool, calm, collected and unemotional guy was depressed. It was about two years after our break up and he calls me for help. He felt his life falling apart. Of course, I talk to him and we started communicating again. He seemed different, he acted like he understood what I was going through at the time.

At this same time, I had a job offer to move out of town to Florida. I had some friends there and I thought it would be a good change for me. I had visited and felt like this was the right decision. So before I could go back to the off and on relationship that I had been in with Jay for two years, I moved. Hoping that my old self just needed new scenery.

So I take a chance and go the Sunshine State.