Somewhere over that Rainbow

So, I was about 5 years old and my really cool aunt showed me the Wizard of Oz. (I know: HOW TYPICAL) and WOW. My eyes were glued. You mean that there are places that are different than this country town??? You can sing about them and maybe even get to meet some really different characters? SIGN ME UP. So Ok, this little country boy who had no idea about what a friend of Dorothy was, had officially become a fan of Dorothy. My cool aunt knew that I loved it and for years (even to this day), still gives me gifts that are Wizard of Oz themed. That movie did something to me. When I got older, I was mortified to know that probably anyone that knew the connection of Judy Garland and gay men, probably laughed at the fact that when asked, the Wizard of Oz was my favorite movie. I had no shame in telling people until I realized the connection which wasn't until college.

So the over achiever son who tried so hard to be perfect had a secret that he felt made him imperfect. During school, I would attempt to fly under the radar. Even though I loved doing well, sometimes I would not do well so I wouldnt stand out. Even though I love gymnastics, I would lie about what I was doing after school. It was not considered cool for a guy to be able to do the splits. I really loved the theater and starred in some community plays when I was younger, I refused to be part of them in high school so I wouldnt draw any attention. Even though I was not really attracted to them, I had girlfriends throughout school- almost obsessively. Until they wanted to get too serious, then I would dump them. I broke my toe so I could not participate in the all boys gym class in ninth grade so I would be excused, even though I probably had more sports ability than most of the guys there. I did not want to be in the locker room changing with them. As sexy as it sounds, it gave me total panic attacks because I would want to look at them. I had crushes on guys that were in my classes, but I would act so awkward because I could not give them any indication that I was different. I just wanted to fit in and get through this time because I knew that there HAD to be another world out there. Even as I tried, there were guys that caught on. I did have some very mean, rude, and even bullying comments made to my face. There was a very effeminite guy who was about 3 years older than me that got bullied so excessively, way worse than I ever had. As embarrassed as I am today to say, I looked at that guy (the only gay person I had ever seen in my life), and I knew that I could not act like that because he was getting daily beatings by the guys in the school. I stayed so far away from him because I had to stay unassociated with him as much as possible. I was doing everything in my power to survive.

While all of this was happening, I had a friend in the ninth and tenth grade who would masturbate in front of me. And while he slept over, he would always hug me while sleeping. It never went any further at all but I knew from that experience that something felt really right to me.

At the same time, I had remembered my grandmother, who I adored, said while watching a 20/20 episode where they talked about the "homosexual". She said how sad it was that they were all going to Hell. She said that if they would just pray hard enough, they wouldnt be that way. Now my grandmother was not a woman of hate. She only knew what she had been taught and would never had said anything that would have hurt me personally. For those of you with Liberal upbringings, you have to understand that there are people that do not know any of type of person except people like them. They are scared of the unknown. I never judged my grandmother for saying that. But it made a longing impression on me.

So as you can assume, each day I would pray to not be gay. I would beg and plead for these thoughts to leave my head. I had decided at that time that I would just be alone for the rest of my life. I didnt want to go to Hell and I surely didn't want to disappoint anyone. As pathetic as it sounds, it was more.