A Calm Feeling

I dont know why I feel better typing my inner thoughts to complete strangers rather than talking to my closest family and friends. Well, here is it is. I have a bump in my neck for about 8 months. I make everything a joke, it is just how I am. I am very self depricating, anything for a laugh. Well, we always joke it is my twin coming out of my neck. At a routine visit to the doc about my allergies, I mention it in passing cuz it is really big and sometimes hard to button my top button for my tie in the mornings. Needless to say, the doc was concerned. Sent me to have a ultrasound to see if it was a boy or a girl and the doctor called me three times and I avoided the call because I was not ready to deal with what they had to say, so finally they reached me and it is no laughing matter. So, it is my lymph node .. not sore, which is a sign of something bad. They are testing me for everything..luckily no HIV - I am a gay man and that is always a possibility, especially since I have been in relationships that were not always completely safe. As much as I would like to say that I was safe every time with a boyfriend, it just didnt happen. I pride myself on being safe with most people but I have had moments with boyfriends that it just happened. But luckily it is not HIV, but now I am in the testing for Lymphoma, cancer. I will find out in a couple of weeks what exactly is going on. I have kept it a secret for a while, telling only my closest friends. Who knows what the outcome will be, but for some reason, I am calm about it mostly. Whatever happens, happens. I have delt with cancer with family members and it is an awful situation, but what can you do? If I have cancer- I will just have to deal with it. My grandmother died from cancer and I was traumatized but when it is you, you just deal with it on a day to day basis. On top of this, a new job has presented itself on the same day that the doc says that it could be cancer. So whatever happens, I think I am at peace about it. Not to be morbid, but I have lived a full life, many good times, so my life may change which sucks, so who knows what is in store, But whatever it is .. it is what it is. I am sure there will be a breakdown about it, but right now, I am dealing with it. One day at a time..