Saturday, June 9, 2012

Here We Are

It's been quite a while since I have even went to this website. Lots of stuff been going on for certain. It is funny that I would say that this website and some complete strangers know more about me than some of my "close" friends here. - More on that later.
     To sum up the past 6 months: I changed jobs and I am enjoying this one so far. Yes, it is work and has its ups and downs, but I do feel like I am back to myself career wise. It is crazy to change jobs so much in my industry, but I am just trying to find the right "fit". I miss my old coworkers, but I hated the other company and was not suceeding as I should within that environment.
    I do not have cancer. The last couple of months have been filled with doctor appointments, lab work, surgery, and all that. I had the lump in my neck removed and it was not cancerous. While I was under, I had my adenoids removed because they were enlarged almost 85% of my nasal drainage that the docs thought could be the cause of my allergy/sinus issues that I have suffered for much of my life. Also, they thought that it would be the answer for my fatigue that I have complained about on here numerous times.  For some reason, I guess I knew deep down that the lump wasn't cancer. The more stressful part of that equation was the preparing for all of that stuff with numerous appointments, scheduling all of it. I am not a person who just tells everyone: "Oh I may have cancer" for attention, like some people that I know. So I didnt share it with everyone, but as surgery got closer, I did share with a few of my friends here. The surgery went well and I have a beautiful scar on my neck that is healing alot quicker than I thought. The worst part was the horrible sore throat from the adenoid surgery. So this was a month ago, all recovering and relieved that I do not have cancer, but the energy levels that they expected me to have are not there. I really do not see much of a difference at all unfortunately. I was really hoping this would be the answer, so I continue on that journey because I dont think it is just me being lazy. I had extremely low testosterone three tests in a row, but when I went to a specialist, it was fine and that was frustrating. But alas, it will all work out somehow.
    Now it is Saturday night and I am having a small sneezing attack so I am staying in, even though I was invited to a party. I have realized from the surgery and the recouperation process that I have quite a few "fairweather friends". Sure, I know that we all have the people we see in social situations, people that we do not engage except in social situations. Well, this one particular friend went through a breakup, move , etc and I was there for him every second. Do you know that I got one text four days after surgery when he was with another friend having breakfast (the other friend is the friend that drove me to surgery), just saying.. hope you feel better. That was it. I didnt hear from him again until almost a month later for a party invitation. He claims that we are such good friends. Well, I am not one to beg for anything. BUT I am also one of those people that is furiously loyal when people need them, especially if we are considered close. Well my motto has always been.... "anyone will come to a party, but a friend will come with you the hospital". So unfortunately, I am distancing from him and the others that knew about my situation and didnt care enough to even send a freaking text. I didnt expect care packages, but some concern other than "when are you better to come out to the club?" I am too old for those type friends and honestly, so are they.
   So I had avioided this whole site cuz I was sort of embarrassed of all that I shared and had every intention of deleting all of it tonight but after reading my posts, it was good to go back and revisit those feelings at that time. So I am going to leave it for the time being. Perhaps I will use these posts for my autobiography and/or movie of my life. :)


  1. I found your blog in a very roundabout way and just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I have suffered from depression since mid-2006, but mine is attributed to postpartum chemical changes in my brain (from all of the hormone fluctuations). Unfortunately the birth of my third child in January 2011 made everything so much worse, and I ended up almost hospitalized. It has been a very long and painful process of doctor visits, being a depression-med guinea pig, therapy, more med changes, trying to completely withdraw from my life and those around me (especially my husband and kids), and just plain self-destruction.

    I am so sad that we have both had to deal with the pain of a debilitating illness that is so hard for others to see or understand. While I have not lived through your life experiences, I want you to know that there is someone out there commiserating and wishing you the very best. Thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and let others know that there is a way to get your life back after depression has made its mark.

  2. Oh Thank you so much for this. I haven't logged onto this site in so long because I almost didn't want to read my thoughts, but you made my day with your comment.

    I hope things are going well for you. Still struggling here, but making it day by day.