Saturday, August 10, 2013

What a year.

I stumbled across this public forum where I laid out many of my feelings and was very tempted to delete the whole thing but decided to keep it up for a little longer. So much has changed since my last post over a year ago. New job (yet again), moved to a more rural part of town, many of my friends have moved out of town and the depression has worsened. I will repeat that those of you who have never experience it- please don't think you can just snap out of it. I wish it were more like that.  So many of my friends who helped force me to go out and socialize have all moved. Since I have moved much further away from the action of the city and my other friends - moved to be closer to my new job which promised to be a less stressful job -where I took a huge paycut to try to maintain a better quality of life. Well- that was a lie. The job is very stressful. I have decided my next move is to a whole new career. When I explain to people what I go through for the money I am paid, they are amazed. 60 hour weeks, on call all day and all for a measley salary. Not what I signed up for but what has been dealt to me.
  So now, I don't even do anything social. I go to work til 7 pm- drive home, eat and sleep. That is my routine. On weekends- I literally lay in bed all weekend on the ones that I do not have to work (which was another thing that was not told to me when I started). Gained more weight, insecurity is higher than ever. Now, I do get these spurts of optimism where I want to go see people or go work out or feel a moment of happiness- but it is short lived. But let me clarify- nothing is where I feel suicidal or anything. I am too appreciative of life for that. But I am not living, just existing. The positive part of this is that I am aware enough to know this and am going to a new therapist and going to see if there is something that can be done to get me on track. At work, I portray this positive, outgoing, motivated person and when I drive off- I can barely make it to the bed to lay down. Such a weird experience, even for me. Anyway. I hope the next time I update, I am able to say that things have improved. In addition of all this mental issues, I have been having physical ailments and more testing for another type of cancer. Is this cancer thing going to follow me around for the rest of my life? Got some tests run this week and should know soon the outcome. I don't think it is anything that is bad or they would have called me already. So whatever these chemicals that control our moods, etc- I hope I am able to level them out soon because this shit is for the birds.
Plus, I turned another year older this week. No celebration for me this year. I had Chipotle and a cookie by myself. (which was actually fun).
So those of you who have read this and don't want to slap me and say get over it- thanks for reading and I wish you much happiness.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Here We Are

It's been quite a while since I have even went to this website. Lots of stuff been going on for certain. It is funny that I would say that this website and some complete strangers know more about me than some of my "close" friends here. - More on that later.
     To sum up the past 6 months: I changed jobs and I am enjoying this one so far. Yes, it is work and has its ups and downs, but I do feel like I am back to myself career wise. It is crazy to change jobs so much in my industry, but I am just trying to find the right "fit". I miss my old coworkers, but I hated the other company and was not suceeding as I should within that environment.
    I do not have cancer. The last couple of months have been filled with doctor appointments, lab work, surgery, and all that. I had the lump in my neck removed and it was not cancerous. While I was under, I had my adenoids removed because they were enlarged almost 85% of my nasal drainage that the docs thought could be the cause of my allergy/sinus issues that I have suffered for much of my life. Also, they thought that it would be the answer for my fatigue that I have complained about on here numerous times.  For some reason, I guess I knew deep down that the lump wasn't cancer. The more stressful part of that equation was the preparing for all of that stuff with numerous appointments, scheduling all of it. I am not a person who just tells everyone: "Oh I may have cancer" for attention, like some people that I know. So I didnt share it with everyone, but as surgery got closer, I did share with a few of my friends here. The surgery went well and I have a beautiful scar on my neck that is healing alot quicker than I thought. The worst part was the horrible sore throat from the adenoid surgery. So this was a month ago, all recovering and relieved that I do not have cancer, but the energy levels that they expected me to have are not there. I really do not see much of a difference at all unfortunately. I was really hoping this would be the answer, so I continue on that journey because I dont think it is just me being lazy. I had extremely low testosterone three tests in a row, but when I went to a specialist, it was fine and that was frustrating. But alas, it will all work out somehow.
    Now it is Saturday night and I am having a small sneezing attack so I am staying in, even though I was invited to a party. I have realized from the surgery and the recouperation process that I have quite a few "fairweather friends". Sure, I know that we all have the people we see in social situations, people that we do not engage except in social situations. Well, this one particular friend went through a breakup, move , etc and I was there for him every second. Do you know that I got one text four days after surgery when he was with another friend having breakfast (the other friend is the friend that drove me to surgery), just saying.. hope you feel better. That was it. I didnt hear from him again until almost a month later for a party invitation. He claims that we are such good friends. Well, I am not one to beg for anything. BUT I am also one of those people that is furiously loyal when people need them, especially if we are considered close. Well my motto has always been.... "anyone will come to a party, but a friend will come with you the hospital". So unfortunately, I am distancing from him and the others that knew about my situation and didnt care enough to even send a freaking text. I didnt expect care packages, but some concern other than "when are you better to come out to the club?" I am too old for those type friends and honestly, so are they.
   So I had avioided this whole site cuz I was sort of embarrassed of all that I shared and had every intention of deleting all of it tonight but after reading my posts, it was good to go back and revisit those feelings at that time. So I am going to leave it for the time being. Perhaps I will use these posts for my autobiography and/or movie of my life. :)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

You Tell Me

So, I was reading Time Magazine has a list of the top 100 songs of the modern era and it got me thinking. Since I am still waiting on the health answer, I thought it would be fun to see if there is anyone out there in the web... What songs are your fav? On the Time Magazine list, there is only one song per famous artist to give other people a chance. Music is such a release for me, I have many favs from many artists, but thought I would put together some lists for the hell of it. So name your two fav songs for the following artists:

1. Like A Prayer- I absolutely love this song, reminds me of Summer and jumping on my trampoline while on summer break plus I think she sounds great on the song. The gospel choir at the end of the song just makes it perfection.
2. Crazy For You- Strangers making the most of the dark....... such a great song. It was a hard choice because I love many Madonna songs, but this one barely beat out "Rain" which I love as well. Im Crazy for this song.

Michael Jackson:
1. Human Nature- I could cliche and choose Billie Jean which I also like, but Human Nature is so intimate and I love it when he says "she likes the way I stare". I had never heard anything like this song and I remember playing it over and over and it is still one of the most played songs on my iPod.
2. Man in the Mirror- If anyone ever doubts Michael Jackson's vocal ability, just listen to this song. Haunting vocals where you can here his desperate plea to make the world a better place. As for dance songs, my favorite is "Smooth Criminal", I dont understand what he is saying, but I dance like crazy everytime I hear it.

1. Suspicious Minds: I think Elvis is one of the best singers in history and he was way before my time, and it isnt just because I grew up in the Memphis area, I love this man's voice and this song is so catchy and it really shows off his ability to tell a story with his voice. When he slows it down at the end, you can really hear his emotions and not just singing. He is caught in a trap for sure.
2. In the Ghetto: This song had to be controversial for its time. It is really hard to imagine that before his time, there was no music that sounded like this from a white guy who had this much soul. Great song! Very close second is "Crying in the Chapel", where humble people go to pray. I love that his voice is higher than normal in that song, really shows his range.

To be continued, since it was so much fun! Tell me your favs!!

Friday, October 14, 2011

A Calm Feeling

I dont know why I feel better typing my inner thoughts to complete strangers rather than talking to my closest family and friends. Well, here is it is. I have a bump in my neck for about 8 months. I make everything a joke, it is just how I am. I am very self depricating, anything for a laugh. Well, we always joke it is my twin coming out of my neck. At a routine visit to the doc about my allergies, I mention it in passing cuz it is really big and sometimes hard to button my top button for my tie in the mornings. Needless to say, the doc was concerned. Sent me to have a ultrasound to see if it was a boy or a girl and the doctor called me three times and I avoided the call because I was not ready to deal with what they had to say, so finally they reached me and it is no laughing matter. So, it is my lymph node .. not sore, which is a sign of something bad. They are testing me for everything..luckily no HIV - I am a gay man and that is always a possibility, especially since I have been in relationships that were not always completely safe. As much as I would like to say that I was safe every time with a boyfriend, it just didnt happen. I pride myself on being safe with most people but I have had moments with boyfriends that it just happened. But luckily it is not HIV, but now I am in the testing for Lymphoma, cancer. I will find out in a couple of weeks what exactly is going on. I have kept it a secret for a while, telling only my closest friends. Who knows what the outcome will be, but for some reason, I am calm about it mostly. Whatever happens, happens. I have delt with cancer with family members and it is an awful situation, but what can you do? If I have cancer- I will just have to deal with it. My grandmother died from cancer and I was traumatized but when it is you, you just deal with it on a day to day basis. On top of this, a new job has presented itself on the same day that the doc says that it could be cancer. So whatever happens, I think I am at peace about it. Not to be morbid, but I have lived a full life, many good times, so my life may change which sucks, so who knows what is in store, But whatever it is .. it is what it is. I am sure there will be a breakdown about it, but right now, I am dealing with it. One day at a time..

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Long Time Coming

Well I am back. Lots going on the past couple of months. Work has been crazy. Working alot, but it is still not better. I have been interviewing and had a job offer, but it didnt feel right. I didnt want to get into a worse situation, so I stayed where I am for the moment. After my day today, I am really not sure I made the right decision.

Anyway, the past month has been full of work, my birthday, and that is about it. I am so lazy that I can not even make a routine out of complaining online.

Still not feeling better, but tomorrow is another day..

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Decisions A' Coming

So, Here I am still fighting these crazy emotions. I used to be so social, but I honestly would rather sit at home than go anywhere.. Even if it is somewhere I would like to go. It is the weirdest emotion to deal with. I literally have to throw myself off the couch, out of the bed or out of the door. Once I go, I am usually fine- but then I rush back home. Sadly, I can relate to those people who do not leave the house for weeks or months at a time. Maybe I just feel that way because that is not an option for me. My job requires me to be ON all of the time, so hiding in my office is not an option, so when I am not at work, I do not want to be ON. I want to be lazy. Anyway, just a rambling thought as I sit here listening to music which gives me so much solice.

So my job is a struggle. It has not gotten any better. I literally am waiting to get fired which is a strange feeling for me since I usually excel at work. I really have a feeling that they will downsize and I will be the first to go since I am the newest. I was thinking about this other job that may move me closer to my hometown, then it didnt work out, but out of the blue, the opportunity has come back. My motto is always.. whatever happens is meant to be.... so my dilemma- if this job that I had ruled out comes back as a definite possibilty... do I take it? I know that running away is never an answer and I dont feel like I am running away from anything except a bad job situation. I love my friends here and know that I am lucky to have as many as I do. But the dating here sucks and is almost nonexistent, but honestly I dont think anyone could put up with my moods anyway. So I know I am jumping the gun, but I am going to see how far this job opportunity takes me, but I have a feeling that a decision is brewing.....

It's funny writing out my emotions on this site... Will I regret putting all of this out there??? HMMMMM

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

True Blood

So happy that True Blood is back on...................

I have missed this escapism!!!